remember when i wrote this post? and this one? i was dazed, confused and anxious. i wanted my body back. i needed answers and i needed hope. four years. four years of chronic inflammation that stopped me in my tracks, literally. i couldn't dance and for a long while, even walk without pain. my arm flared into throbbing pain if i tried to scrub my bathtub. i stopped scrubbing my bathtub.
then cancer. then my breasts, the breasts i loved from the beginning -changed forever. i felt i lost them. i felt i lost my sexiness. i fell into despair with my body.
what i did lose in reality was my confidence, my hard won, healthy self-esteem. i did indeed lose my groove. that ball dropped and rolled away.
i didn't happen overnight, this losing of my confidence, my sense of womanly self that projected desirable, attractive, sexy. it started with pain, pain that clouded my vision. anyone who has ever been in chronic pain knows about how difficult it is to see clearly when that veil comes down.
pain gets between you and your best self. pain pushes the world away. i stopped going out, stopped dating for long periods. i didn't feel like good company. i couldn't see why anyone would want me. i felt broken. i felt ugly. because of my heel pain, i had to wear only sensible shoes, running shoes. i covered my body with layers of loose clothes, always in dark colors.
i didn't want to be seen. i stopped even trying to look attractive most of the time. i think i forget how to take care of that part of me. i mourned for the person i used to be. and even though i didn't show it much on this blog, i was often bitter. often very, very angry.
the beautiful thing i am writing to share today is this story line has completely changed. in the past nine weeks, i have made massive changes to my diet, removing everything that my body reacts to. the results so far are nothing short of a miracle. i had this crazy, scary medical mystery, remember this post?
today, i feel the mystery is solved. i am finally able to heal, really heal!
i am walking around in a different body, one with rapidly decreasing inflammation. a body that bounces back and heals. a body that can wear cute shoes and scrub the bathtub. i am even beginning to believe that in the future, perhaps in the next few months, i will be able to begin to dance and exercise freely again! there are lots of physical signs that my body is healing after all these years. and in the end, the answer was as simple as food.
10 weeks ago, based on the results of my ALCAT test, i removed the allergens. i stopped eating the foods that were making me sick and now, i am healing. common healthy foods like tomatoes and yogurt and blueberries. salmon and coconut and spinach. 83 common foods, in fact! for years, i thought i was feeding my body the healthiest diet possible. yet, i didn't get better. long time readers of this blog know, i had an increase in strange symptoms.
can you believe it, my friends? i have my groove back. i feel alive and sexy in my body. my sparkle is back and people are noticing. i have begun to think i can date again. i am actually beginning to love my body, even these changed and scarred breasts -again.
as little as four months ago, i did not think i would ever be here, feeling as good as i do in this moment.
i have not found the self i lost, for that girl is gone. but i have found a new self, a wiser self. and i approach my life with so much gratitude these days. six months ago i thought to just have work that is meaningful and that i love would be enough. i didn't beleive i would ever really get my groove back. but i kept pushing for an answer. the food allergy testing was my last idea to try, my last hope of figuring it all out.
such a radical diet change requires daily commitment to my well-being. i cannot get lazy or busy and forget to nurture myself. those days of going blindly through life are really and truly over. they are part of the girl i lost, the part that needed to go.
i will leave you with just this. solving this piece has opened the doors to so much that is new and wonderful and exciting. i feel like anything is possible now. my body and i are friends again and together, we are making the most of every day.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
looking through a new lens
as i approach the 2-year mark on my cancer diagnosis, i realize the complete absorption in everything related to my health is being replaced with concerns outside of me. slowly, the rest of the world is returning to focus. i really welcome this shift in attention. lately, i have had entire days when i don't think about cancer, my health or the past.
research, writing and reflection on what i am learning in grad school has my mind plenty full. what a relief!
this transition from being self-centered to other-centered isn't easy, particularly graceful or smooth, however. my social skills, specifically my listening skills, atrophied in the past couple of years. i am often feeling awkward these days, as i relearn how to relate, connect and feel comfortable out in the world again. i constantly feel the pull between my impulse to share my thoughts and the realization that i learn more listening.
shut your mouth, i tell myself. my head is busy with self-editing these days. i am trying to keep my self-judgment honest, but soft. i know beating myself up after a conversation isn't productive.
i feel incredibly blessed in my graduate program. the nature of our studies puts a focus on developing listening skills, with ample opportunity to practice. it's like going back to therapy, but this time, as the person listening, not the person talking. this blog is a good place to do the talking and processing i still need for growth, actually. and i am so thankful that there are a few of you out there in cyberspace that want to listen in on my journey.
i keep feeling amazed at my good fortune to have found this career path at just the right time in my life.
a little tidbit from my reading this week: did you know the human brain keeps on growing throughout your whole life? every time you learn something new, a new connection is made in the brain, it actually physically changes. finding opportunities as adults to challenge our brains to learn new things takes effort and commitment, if you aren't in graduate school. but the rewards are real.
next, i tackle learning Spanish. now that i know my brain is up to the task, i am excited. what are you excited about these days? i'd love to hear from you all.
research, writing and reflection on what i am learning in grad school has my mind plenty full. what a relief!
this transition from being self-centered to other-centered isn't easy, particularly graceful or smooth, however. my social skills, specifically my listening skills, atrophied in the past couple of years. i am often feeling awkward these days, as i relearn how to relate, connect and feel comfortable out in the world again. i constantly feel the pull between my impulse to share my thoughts and the realization that i learn more listening.
shut your mouth, i tell myself. my head is busy with self-editing these days. i am trying to keep my self-judgment honest, but soft. i know beating myself up after a conversation isn't productive.
i feel incredibly blessed in my graduate program. the nature of our studies puts a focus on developing listening skills, with ample opportunity to practice. it's like going back to therapy, but this time, as the person listening, not the person talking. this blog is a good place to do the talking and processing i still need for growth, actually. and i am so thankful that there are a few of you out there in cyberspace that want to listen in on my journey.
i keep feeling amazed at my good fortune to have found this career path at just the right time in my life.
a little tidbit from my reading this week: did you know the human brain keeps on growing throughout your whole life? every time you learn something new, a new connection is made in the brain, it actually physically changes. finding opportunities as adults to challenge our brains to learn new things takes effort and commitment, if you aren't in graduate school. but the rewards are real.
next, i tackle learning Spanish. now that i know my brain is up to the task, i am excited. what are you excited about these days? i'd love to hear from you all.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
this is what i came for
consumed. what does it mean to be consumed by love, by work or perhaps by work you love? for for now and for the next 22 months i am consumed by graduate school. that's the general outline, but the details of the story are more interesting, rich with ideas and sprinkled with gems.
really, i am consumed by learning -in the best way, like how with a new love you want to spend every second together.
yes, i am busy, with a plate fuller than it's been in some time. reading, research, writing, learning, teaching. i don't select the items on the plate for the most part, i accepted the invitation to this banquet after all. in times past, this dictated order and structure might have had me chaffing and restless.
everything feels different in my life now. i am happy, contented even. how novel!
education, equity, social justice, motivation theory...it all is so fascinating that i find i am engaged fully, every waking moment. it all feels right, walking this path, earning this particular degree and entering this field. what i have learned in the first three weeks of school is that the field of school counseling is both wide and open. it's current model is a significant departure from the guidance counselor model we all grew up with, it is called transformative school counseling. the model is less than a decade old and there is much growth ahead. over the course of my career, i could choose to contribute on many levels, from hands-on in the schools to research and writing, all the way to advocacy on a national level.
already, i am in love with the research. oh, and the students. the students!
i started one of my placements this week, the year-long teaching practicum i am doing at an alternative high school. it is an amazing program that welcomed me with open arms, excited to have extra help. i am working with two humanities teachers, so i get the opportunity to observe different teaching styles. the students all have overcome huge personal obstacles and were not successful in traditional high school. these are the youth that have been thrown away by schools, society and often their own parents. yet they come to this program with a commitment to make a new life and a future they are proud to direct. hearing their stories this week renewed my deeply held belief that anything is possible. it is so easy to feel hopeless these days, with the economy, the health care crises and all the negative spin around us. but when i spend time with the raw power of the human spirit and see the hunger these young adults have to make a life, a good life -then it's hard to feel anything but awed, humbled, amazed, inspired, grateful.
this is what i came for.
to be witness to transformation. (and occasionally a guide.) to sit at the crossroads with young people and support moving their life in a positive, new direction. you can smell the fear in the room, but you can also feel a strong swelling of hope and purpose, as they are discovering strength, finding confidence and showing up for themselves.
really, i am consumed by learning -in the best way, like how with a new love you want to spend every second together.
yes, i am busy, with a plate fuller than it's been in some time. reading, research, writing, learning, teaching. i don't select the items on the plate for the most part, i accepted the invitation to this banquet after all. in times past, this dictated order and structure might have had me chaffing and restless.
everything feels different in my life now. i am happy, contented even. how novel!
education, equity, social justice, motivation theory...it all is so fascinating that i find i am engaged fully, every waking moment. it all feels right, walking this path, earning this particular degree and entering this field. what i have learned in the first three weeks of school is that the field of school counseling is both wide and open. it's current model is a significant departure from the guidance counselor model we all grew up with, it is called transformative school counseling. the model is less than a decade old and there is much growth ahead. over the course of my career, i could choose to contribute on many levels, from hands-on in the schools to research and writing, all the way to advocacy on a national level.
already, i am in love with the research. oh, and the students. the students!
i started one of my placements this week, the year-long teaching practicum i am doing at an alternative high school. it is an amazing program that welcomed me with open arms, excited to have extra help. i am working with two humanities teachers, so i get the opportunity to observe different teaching styles. the students all have overcome huge personal obstacles and were not successful in traditional high school. these are the youth that have been thrown away by schools, society and often their own parents. yet they come to this program with a commitment to make a new life and a future they are proud to direct. hearing their stories this week renewed my deeply held belief that anything is possible. it is so easy to feel hopeless these days, with the economy, the health care crises and all the negative spin around us. but when i spend time with the raw power of the human spirit and see the hunger these young adults have to make a life, a good life -then it's hard to feel anything but awed, humbled, amazed, inspired, grateful.
this is what i came for.
to be witness to transformation. (and occasionally a guide.) to sit at the crossroads with young people and support moving their life in a positive, new direction. you can smell the fear in the room, but you can also feel a strong swelling of hope and purpose, as they are discovering strength, finding confidence and showing up for themselves.
Friday, September 11, 2009
change, all the way to my cells
ten days into my radical shift in diet and i have both triumphs and struggles to report. following my ALCAT diet has had wonderful effects on my health already. I've lost five pounds, my energy has increased significantly and i don't have that constant feeling of craving something sweet.
i think my cells are happy. i am not feeding my body anything that is toxic to me specifically, nothing that causes stress to process. since my body isn't preoccupied reacting to food particles it sees as enemies, it can use all of the fuel to create energy for living!
what a radical concept to experience, not just read about as theory.
i am so grateful to my creative nature and my nerdy interest in food & cooking. without that passion, making meals that satisfy out of my list of approved foods would be overwhelming and frustrating. of course, i have those moments of frustration, moments when i feel deprived and stuck. but each day i figure out another piece of the menu puzzle and that part of the journey is an exciting challenge.
how can i feed myself well with all these restrictions?
one way is simply by discovering new foods. foods i haven't eaten in years. a small bowl of bean sprouts is a perfect crunchy snack on a warm afternoon. i ventured out to the countryside with a dear friend and went organic fruit picking, coming home with armloads of juicy blackberries and the most exquisite italian plums. i had so much energy last week, i canned the fruit immediately. one thing led to another and i just kept on canning, also making yummy bread & butter style pickles with zucchini instead of cucumbers. i adapted my grandmother's recipe and they are delicious!
snack foods are the most difficult, as i don't want to rely too much on nuts. today i am making crackers in my dehydrator, subbing almond meal & hemp powder for the flax and hoping for great results. since garlic is out, i am learning what flavors i can achieve with different kinds of onions.
it is hard to describe, but even my connective tissue feels different. perhaps the inflammation is going down and that explains the sense that my muscles and tissues are not "sticky" anymore. frankly, i don't think i even realized how much fatigue and "icky all over" feeling i had in my body until it began to change this past week.
and now for the bad news. *sigh*
i have not been sleeping well at all. starting school has upped my anxiety. my brain suddenly has way too much to hold and it feels like 100 monkeys are tap dancing in there in a mosh pit. changing my entire diet while dealing with some stressful final jewelry orders, starting the term and the general anxiety i always have leading up to my birthday...well, you see the picture. it's not so pretty.
but i know this will pass, everything does. yet in the middle of the night, somehow that is not comforting. sleep feels like a guardian angel that has abandoned her post.
and i am coping as best i can. cooking up a birthday plan for next week that feels like a sweet celebration, but not adding to the stress mess. i am making massive lists to try to get some of that jumble out of my head. i am drinking calming tea and taking supplements, all my tricks are out of the box and in play.
thanks for your continuous support my friends. it's humbling and uplifting.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
finally, an abundance of answers!
the results of my ALCAT blood test for food intolerance are finally in my hands. i had a two hour meeting with my new natropath doctor yesterday and learned so much. in addition to the list of 86 foods i show a reaction too, i also learned my body is not breaking down and processing proteins very well.
today is the beginning of a new approach to eating and digesting.
i'm now taking a supplement to increase the stomach acids to break down those proteins. for the next months, i will strictly avoid the foods on my list that show reactions. i am sure this will take new creative cooking efforts, as many of the foods i depend on are those that i am actually intolerant to!
of the 86 forbidden foods, 23 are staples in my diet: banana, cucumber, fennel, garlic, ginger, lime, soybean, spinach, tomato, basil, blueberry, celery, chicken, cinnamon, coconut, corn, egg white, fig, flax seed, lemon, mushroom, nutmeg, salmon, vanilla.
oh, and all gluten, all dairy. *deep sigh*
no more homemade yogurt, which is what i am mourning as i write this post at breakfast time. however, i now recall that every time i have gone off dairy (and i don't eat much, just homemade yogurt, sheep's milk romano and some goat cheese) i have lost weight. with so many health issues to address, i know it is worth it to make these changes. i need to finally, after 4 years, heal my chronic inflammation problems in my arms and heel. i don't ever want to re-visit the vertigo and arthritis pain in my back from the last few months. and then there is the general intestinal distress i've dealt with for, let's see...oh, about 25 years.
and cancer. i certainly don't ever want to see his face again. cancer is directly tied to inflammation in the body. anything i can do to bring down inflammation will benefit every cell i have.
i was pretty deflated yesterday after meeting the doctor, but this morning i am feeling up to the task of overhauling my food plan.
some good news in my results include favorite staple foods that i have no adverse reaction to at all: chocolate, cabbage, sardines, quinoa, olive, almonds, sesame, lentils, onion, swiss chard...and since chicken is out, i will turn to the approved meats...turkey, lamb, beef, plus a large variety of fish and seafood is ok. I don't eat much meat and when i do it's always organic, pasture-raised. which is expensive and that factor naturally limits my intake.
the loss i feel most keenly is coconut, lemons, egg white & dairy. but i will survive and i am sure, start eating other foods that are just as yummy. after a month, i can re-introduce a food from the mild reactive list, like coconut, and see how i do. so there is hope that some of my favorites might come back in rotation in a few months. i am guessing the dairy is gone for good, however.
i will have to find someone to eat my beautiful tomatoes on the plants i have been lovingly growing for months on my little patio...i guess i will just have to enjoy them visually!
i also learned from the results of my colonoscopy & endoscopy that i don't have any gluten damage in my intestines, which means my year off gluten has healed the system. i'm very happy to know my body's natural healing process is working.
i start my graduate program fall classes next week, so life is about to get pretty busy. but i will be updating the blog with my progress on this new eating protocol, so stay tuned for what i hope will be all good news!
today is the beginning of a new approach to eating and digesting.
i'm now taking a supplement to increase the stomach acids to break down those proteins. for the next months, i will strictly avoid the foods on my list that show reactions. i am sure this will take new creative cooking efforts, as many of the foods i depend on are those that i am actually intolerant to!
of the 86 forbidden foods, 23 are staples in my diet: banana, cucumber, fennel, garlic, ginger, lime, soybean, spinach, tomato, basil, blueberry, celery, chicken, cinnamon, coconut, corn, egg white, fig, flax seed, lemon, mushroom, nutmeg, salmon, vanilla.
oh, and all gluten, all dairy. *deep sigh*
no more homemade yogurt, which is what i am mourning as i write this post at breakfast time. however, i now recall that every time i have gone off dairy (and i don't eat much, just homemade yogurt, sheep's milk romano and some goat cheese) i have lost weight. with so many health issues to address, i know it is worth it to make these changes. i need to finally, after 4 years, heal my chronic inflammation problems in my arms and heel. i don't ever want to re-visit the vertigo and arthritis pain in my back from the last few months. and then there is the general intestinal distress i've dealt with for, let's see...oh, about 25 years.
and cancer. i certainly don't ever want to see his face again. cancer is directly tied to inflammation in the body. anything i can do to bring down inflammation will benefit every cell i have.
i was pretty deflated yesterday after meeting the doctor, but this morning i am feeling up to the task of overhauling my food plan.
some good news in my results include favorite staple foods that i have no adverse reaction to at all: chocolate, cabbage, sardines, quinoa, olive, almonds, sesame, lentils, onion, swiss chard...and since chicken is out, i will turn to the approved meats...turkey, lamb, beef, plus a large variety of fish and seafood is ok. I don't eat much meat and when i do it's always organic, pasture-raised. which is expensive and that factor naturally limits my intake.
the loss i feel most keenly is coconut, lemons, egg white & dairy. but i will survive and i am sure, start eating other foods that are just as yummy. after a month, i can re-introduce a food from the mild reactive list, like coconut, and see how i do. so there is hope that some of my favorites might come back in rotation in a few months. i am guessing the dairy is gone for good, however.
i will have to find someone to eat my beautiful tomatoes on the plants i have been lovingly growing for months on my little patio...i guess i will just have to enjoy them visually!
i also learned from the results of my colonoscopy & endoscopy that i don't have any gluten damage in my intestines, which means my year off gluten has healed the system. i'm very happy to know my body's natural healing process is working.
i start my graduate program fall classes next week, so life is about to get pretty busy. but i will be updating the blog with my progress on this new eating protocol, so stay tuned for what i hope will be all good news!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
getting closer every day
it has been a packed few weeks since my last post here. i don't yet have the answers i seek, but i do feel incredibly encouraged and more certain than i have ever been that i will get those answers. my quest to figure out where this crazy back pain/arthritis and the vertigo is coming from has been a long and twisty road with plenty of nay-sayers along the way.
i hope to be set free with the answers that are coming on august 31st, when i get the results of the blood test i did for intolerance to 200 foods and 10 environmental chemicals. my worst case scenario would be results that showed high reaction to chocolate, cabbage, coconut, almonds & chlorine. but i am determined to be healthy, so even if i give up all my favorites and swimming...well, i believe it will be worth it to be healthy.
i found a natropath doc here that specializes in just the path of inquiry i have been on. intestinal disturbance, food allergies, arthritis and the links between them. when i found her, it seemed like all the stars in the universe finally aligned to help me on my quest. she doesn't think i am crazy! i can hardly believe she is also in my new insurance network, so follow-up visits will cost me less than $10. she also gave me her professional price on the big blood test, so i saved several hundred dollars, which feels like nothing short of a miracle!
in other health news: the colonoscopy went well, although biopsy results won't be in until this monday. yesterday i went into the operating room for what i hope will be the last time in this lifetime. my plastic surgeon did some revision on my breasts where they had not healed well and the scars had stretched and weakened. right away i can see the difference and it is very positive! i am sore and stiff today, but i know this will pass and soon i'll be able to swim and be active again.
they did most of the procedure with just local anesthetic, but to take the edge off, i also had some of the stuff that killed michael jackson. it's meant for small doses given in hospitals during surgery, you know.
*sigh* such a sad case...
this month of august has been full, very task-oriented and focused on getting ready to be a full time student, with minimal distractions. i set my office/study room in order with new files, desktop and shelves. mountains of papers have been sorted, filed, recycled and shredded. i am filled with a quiet joy, seeing the office take shape into an organized space. one of the most satisfying projects was taking my whole CD collection (most of which were in boxes) and removing them from the bulky jewel cases and presto! they all fit in one zipped-up 3-ring binder. i really wish i'd done that years ago.
there is my theme for august: getting it done. oh, and having fun. more on that later.
i hope to be set free with the answers that are coming on august 31st, when i get the results of the blood test i did for intolerance to 200 foods and 10 environmental chemicals. my worst case scenario would be results that showed high reaction to chocolate, cabbage, coconut, almonds & chlorine. but i am determined to be healthy, so even if i give up all my favorites and swimming...well, i believe it will be worth it to be healthy.
i found a natropath doc here that specializes in just the path of inquiry i have been on. intestinal disturbance, food allergies, arthritis and the links between them. when i found her, it seemed like all the stars in the universe finally aligned to help me on my quest. she doesn't think i am crazy! i can hardly believe she is also in my new insurance network, so follow-up visits will cost me less than $10. she also gave me her professional price on the big blood test, so i saved several hundred dollars, which feels like nothing short of a miracle!
in other health news: the colonoscopy went well, although biopsy results won't be in until this monday. yesterday i went into the operating room for what i hope will be the last time in this lifetime. my plastic surgeon did some revision on my breasts where they had not healed well and the scars had stretched and weakened. right away i can see the difference and it is very positive! i am sore and stiff today, but i know this will pass and soon i'll be able to swim and be active again.
they did most of the procedure with just local anesthetic, but to take the edge off, i also had some of the stuff that killed michael jackson. it's meant for small doses given in hospitals during surgery, you know.
*sigh* such a sad case...
this month of august has been full, very task-oriented and focused on getting ready to be a full time student, with minimal distractions. i set my office/study room in order with new files, desktop and shelves. mountains of papers have been sorted, filed, recycled and shredded. i am filled with a quiet joy, seeing the office take shape into an organized space. one of the most satisfying projects was taking my whole CD collection (most of which were in boxes) and removing them from the bulky jewel cases and presto! they all fit in one zipped-up 3-ring binder. i really wish i'd done that years ago.
there is my theme for august: getting it done. oh, and having fun. more on that later.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
answers, i need answers
hello again, my friends. for the past few weeks, i have been completely and happily absorbed in graduate school. the program is exciting, intense and just what the doctor ordered. it has been wonderful to focus on ideas and fill my brain up with all that new knowledge, instead of concentrating on my health 24/7.
how boring. it has been a boring stretch of months, thinking about my health so intently. this summer, it was great to change the channel and tune into something altogether new.
now i am on summer break and the health stuff is back on the front page again. *sigh*
i do feel much closer to figuring out my medical mystery. like sherlock holmes with no watson to assist me, i have been looking & thinking, researching & taking notes...turning over every rock to find my answers. this past week, the vertigo returned. oh shit. this time, it again showed up with back pain. thankfully, i have the motion sickness medicine from that trip to the ER in march. i take it when the room is spinning as i wake in the morning and it makes me so sleepy, am ready for a nap at noon.
i remain convinced that a slow-reaction food allergy or intolerance is at the root of all these mysterious symptoms. finding a doctor that doesn't think i am crazy has proved difficult. my secret fear is that i am crazy and i will never find an answer.
it is stressful knowing at any time, for no apparent reason, i can have a spell of vertigo, or intense back pain. it is very debilitating! what if this happens when i am in school?
on my own, i am getting blood drawn at a lab here and sending it to a well-respected testing facility. the test is called the ALCAT and i'll be tested for delayed reactions to 200 foods. i need answers and even though this test is expensive, i think having answers (even if i learn i can't eat some of my favorite foods) will be comforting. at this point i feel like i can deal with anything except mystery.
i'm also having a colonoscopy next monday, so maybe the tissue samples from my digestive system will also provide some answers.
maybe, just maybe, if i spend just one more month on the health stuff, i can figure it out and move on. i really want and need to move on. i have so much energy to give when i am not wrapped up in my health and medical issues.
manifesting answers. let it be so.
how boring. it has been a boring stretch of months, thinking about my health so intently. this summer, it was great to change the channel and tune into something altogether new.
now i am on summer break and the health stuff is back on the front page again. *sigh*
i do feel much closer to figuring out my medical mystery. like sherlock holmes with no watson to assist me, i have been looking & thinking, researching & taking notes...turning over every rock to find my answers. this past week, the vertigo returned. oh shit. this time, it again showed up with back pain. thankfully, i have the motion sickness medicine from that trip to the ER in march. i take it when the room is spinning as i wake in the morning and it makes me so sleepy, am ready for a nap at noon.
i remain convinced that a slow-reaction food allergy or intolerance is at the root of all these mysterious symptoms. finding a doctor that doesn't think i am crazy has proved difficult. my secret fear is that i am crazy and i will never find an answer.
it is stressful knowing at any time, for no apparent reason, i can have a spell of vertigo, or intense back pain. it is very debilitating! what if this happens when i am in school?
on my own, i am getting blood drawn at a lab here and sending it to a well-respected testing facility. the test is called the ALCAT and i'll be tested for delayed reactions to 200 foods. i need answers and even though this test is expensive, i think having answers (even if i learn i can't eat some of my favorite foods) will be comforting. at this point i feel like i can deal with anything except mystery.
i'm also having a colonoscopy next monday, so maybe the tissue samples from my digestive system will also provide some answers.
maybe, just maybe, if i spend just one more month on the health stuff, i can figure it out and move on. i really want and need to move on. i have so much energy to give when i am not wrapped up in my health and medical issues.
manifesting answers. let it be so.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
yes to all of it
last fall i saw an astrologer and she told me that come summer, my whole routine structure would be blown away and something new would replace it. lo and behold, it is happening, my life is changing. radically. on june 8, i became a graduate student, an experience i have jumped into with both feet.
my head and heart came along as well. things are blowing away, old dead ideas being replaced with exciting growth. i feel like everything is buzzing, like a busy hive of information in my brain.
the shifts are flowing through all parts of my life. for instance, once my financial aid check came, any remaining desire i had to continue my production line of jewelry dissipated immediately. i was only doing it for income, there was no love left. i adore making pretty things and creating one-of-kind art. but for this artist, with repetition comes despair. i am so relieved to put all that to the side.
i attended an all day orientation meeting at the college last week. our dean gave a very inspiring welcome speech to the group entering the school counseling program. one thing he said has really stuck with me - that by beginning this program, we are entering a period of our lives committed to intellectual and personal growth.
personal growth. i had been thinking of this going back to school thing as first, a means to an end (to get a job I love) and second, as a process of expanding my knowledge. sure, i assumed that intellectual growth is built in to a graduate school experience. but personal growth? when the dean spoke, that philosophy impressed me and inspired me. and already, after just one course, i am finding the material challenging and feel myself stretching, expanding...growing.
this is so exciting. i feel that i am exactly where i need to be. the right time in my life, the right academic path and the right institution.
i love that this program is on the cutting edge of preparing school counselors to be agents of change, real leaders in the schools. i love the focus on social justice and diversity. i am so excited to be pushed and already find biases being exposed as my brain goes click-click-click and my heart swells up a bit more.
i have been talking about my longing to get back to spiritual development for a while now. without realizing it, i seem to have chosen a program and a career path that is perfectly lined up with that desire.
my head and heart came along as well. things are blowing away, old dead ideas being replaced with exciting growth. i feel like everything is buzzing, like a busy hive of information in my brain.
the shifts are flowing through all parts of my life. for instance, once my financial aid check came, any remaining desire i had to continue my production line of jewelry dissipated immediately. i was only doing it for income, there was no love left. i adore making pretty things and creating one-of-kind art. but for this artist, with repetition comes despair. i am so relieved to put all that to the side.
i attended an all day orientation meeting at the college last week. our dean gave a very inspiring welcome speech to the group entering the school counseling program. one thing he said has really stuck with me - that by beginning this program, we are entering a period of our lives committed to intellectual and personal growth.
personal growth. i had been thinking of this going back to school thing as first, a means to an end (to get a job I love) and second, as a process of expanding my knowledge. sure, i assumed that intellectual growth is built in to a graduate school experience. but personal growth? when the dean spoke, that philosophy impressed me and inspired me. and already, after just one course, i am finding the material challenging and feel myself stretching, expanding...growing.
this is so exciting. i feel that i am exactly where i need to be. the right time in my life, the right academic path and the right institution.
i love that this program is on the cutting edge of preparing school counselors to be agents of change, real leaders in the schools. i love the focus on social justice and diversity. i am so excited to be pushed and already find biases being exposed as my brain goes click-click-click and my heart swells up a bit more.
i have been talking about my longing to get back to spiritual development for a while now. without realizing it, i seem to have chosen a program and a career path that is perfectly lined up with that desire.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
a bright burning star is gone
my friend died yesterday, she was only 43. her name is lenea and we have been friends for 27 years. in high school we were inseparable in junior and senior years. neither of us fit in very well in our suburban high school, we didn't think like the rest of our peers. both eldest children, we bitched about our siblings and compared notes on all the ways our parents failed us. lenea had a smile that made your heart melt. we shopped together, went out drinking with fake ID cards and dressed up for halloween. we shared a very strong bond even after high school ended, in fact, she felt abandoned when i left for a year in europe after graduation. by the time i returned, she had moved to the east coast for college. we've had our ups and downs, like every relationship, especially one between two strong-willed opinionated women. uppity women, one could say - in our younger years.
time and distance never changed the love between us. even if we hadn't spoken in months, we could call each other and pick up a conversation right where we left it last time. our friendship brought great comfort to us both over the years.
yet, as i hung up the phone today after receiving the news from her husband, i was flooded with guilt and shame for all the ways i failed her as a friend when she got sick. the emails i left unanswered because i was too busy. i should have sent cards and care packages from the first news of her illness. she should never have to had wondered for a second if i cared for her.
three years ago, i didn't know what it was like to face a serious health issue.
then i got cancer, and a friend i cared about deeply and depended on dropped out of my life completely. i was puzzled, then hurt. hurt turned to bitterness and then later, to acceptance and some kind of forgiveness finally came. i saw that we are all struggling on some level and those struggles can get in the way of being present to others. even, or maybe especially, those we care about the most. being present for a dear one being sick takes courage because it brings to light our own frailty, our own vulnerability to disease.
if she can get cancer, so can i. maybe if i don't engage with the illness, it won't be real.
it took my friend lenea to show me how to get to acceptance. after i seemed to disappear from her life when she got sick (did i know how serious it was? i don't think so. i remember i thought, she is married, she has lots of friends there to support her, she doesn't really need me. months flew by in the blur. the blur of work and worry over the everyday. petty worries. while lenea's life, her fight for life, was 3,000 miles away. i didn't know she was fighting for life, but i should have asked) lenea went through all those stages. her feeling were really hurt and she tried to put me out of her heart, to save her energy for healing. she finally got well enough to write me and express her forgiveness. she missed me and wanted to re-connect, even after i hurt her feelings.
here is a portion of an email from 2 years after she got sick where lenea explains what she has:
"Scleroderma is an autoimmune disease that affects the skin, organs and muscles. It is similar to lupus, however in this case, the body views each component as foreign and wages war. The disease manifests itself in the form of inflammation and subsequent development of scar tissue. When the process affects organs such as the heart and lungs, the development of scar tissue results in a loss of organ flexibility (i.e. loss of function). My lungs were saved and now have approximately 50% capacity and my heart is impaired. All of this means that I can participate in limited exercise and have a modified life style. I am also supposed to restrict the amount of red meat and salt intake. Eventually it may become necessary for me to consider a heart / lung transplant. I am undecided about whether that is something I want to pursue. I believe that in this life there are stars that burn long and stars that burn bright. I would like to think that my star is a bright burner."
today i am humbled and grieved. her heart stopped and my oldest friend is gone from this earth. lenea's last email to me was so cheerful, she reported her health improving steadily and she was thrilled at my acceptance into graduate school. she always, always believed in me and wished the very best for me. it often grieved her to see me struggle in life.
i think of the little things that cause hurt feelings and wedge between friends. there are people i should call. i have too often let friendships lapse and drift away for no reason at all. no good reason, anyway. fear of rejection, a resistance to emotional confrontation, an tendency to be self-absorbed when i am broke or ill.
close friendships are one of the foundations of good health and long life. i've never had a particularly easy time making close friends and today i finally get the truth: i need to keep the friends i have.
nurturing friendships is simply the most important work of being human. what are we, indeed what am i, without my connection to other people?
thank-you, all my friends who read this blog for your kindness, your patience with me and the gift of your love.
today i feel profoundly unworthy and deeply grateful.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
living my story
as you may have noticed, i have not been blogging. sometimes i have this reaction to blogging, that i should just get over myself and stop blathering on about this or that health problem. i wonder if people still read my story, now that it's not all drama and trauma.
i guess the biggest thing keeping me from blogging is just life. i have been living my story more and telling it less. which is a good sign of healing, i believe.
on june 8, i start my first graduate school class and i'm so excited. i have been making some jewelry, as a few orders have trickled in...just the right amount, actually. my patio garden has been occupying many happy hours, both in the planning and in execution. also, my part time job has been more like full time this past month, so i've been very busy doing leasing here at the apartment complex i manage.
perhaps the best thing going on is exercise. i committed to a minimum of 3 days a week in water exercise class and i have been sticking to it. only at the end of this last week did i begin to enjoy it. losing a few pounds has encouraged me and i have discovered that going off sugar makes me feel fully sane, happy and clear-headed.
life in my body is getting better. i feel very hopeful about the future with this body.
even so, i do still have a medical mystery to solve. yes, i have spent dozens of hours researching weird arthritis symptoms and food allergies, to name just a few. when i last wrote, it seemed my mystery was solved. however, after the MRI results came back, my specialist wasn't so certain about the AS diagnosis. so he is sending me on to the gastroenterology department and i am sending myself to an allergist for testing.
personally, my gut tells me this: it's the food.
food allergies create symptoms all over the map. symptoms that mirror my list quite clearly. so i am keeping a food journal, writing down every little morsel i consume, how my body feels and how i feel emotionally. i am only 1 week into that journal process and it's already illuminating.
we will see where this search for answers takes me, my dear readers. perhaps this blog will turn into one about these new issues and discoveries. i sure as hell don't want to be the high-maintenance girl that can't go out and eat because she is allergic to x, y, z, and 40 other things. however, i would do anything (heaven help me, even give up chocolate) to avoid the pain i experienced in march.
that's it, folks. all the news that is, here in my casa. what is new with you?
i guess the biggest thing keeping me from blogging is just life. i have been living my story more and telling it less. which is a good sign of healing, i believe.
on june 8, i start my first graduate school class and i'm so excited. i have been making some jewelry, as a few orders have trickled in...just the right amount, actually. my patio garden has been occupying many happy hours, both in the planning and in execution. also, my part time job has been more like full time this past month, so i've been very busy doing leasing here at the apartment complex i manage.
perhaps the best thing going on is exercise. i committed to a minimum of 3 days a week in water exercise class and i have been sticking to it. only at the end of this last week did i begin to enjoy it. losing a few pounds has encouraged me and i have discovered that going off sugar makes me feel fully sane, happy and clear-headed.
life in my body is getting better. i feel very hopeful about the future with this body.
even so, i do still have a medical mystery to solve. yes, i have spent dozens of hours researching weird arthritis symptoms and food allergies, to name just a few. when i last wrote, it seemed my mystery was solved. however, after the MRI results came back, my specialist wasn't so certain about the AS diagnosis. so he is sending me on to the gastroenterology department and i am sending myself to an allergist for testing.
personally, my gut tells me this: it's the food.
food allergies create symptoms all over the map. symptoms that mirror my list quite clearly. so i am keeping a food journal, writing down every little morsel i consume, how my body feels and how i feel emotionally. i am only 1 week into that journal process and it's already illuminating.
we will see where this search for answers takes me, my dear readers. perhaps this blog will turn into one about these new issues and discoveries. i sure as hell don't want to be the high-maintenance girl that can't go out and eat because she is allergic to x, y, z, and 40 other things. however, i would do anything (heaven help me, even give up chocolate) to avoid the pain i experienced in march.
that's it, folks. all the news that is, here in my casa. what is new with you?
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